31Jan10

Breakfast

• 2 of Polly's super-crunchy vegan chocolate chip cookies
• 2-egg omelette topped with ~1/3 c oikos and a grating of nutmeg
• 1/4 of a HUGE apple
• 1 small glass 2% milk

Notes: Two days till my second witchy birthday! It's looking like the narcissus will bloom just in time! I'm also planning on participating in the 5th Annual Cyberspace Poetry Slam in honor of Brigid. I heard about it from Joanna Colbert of the Gaian Tarot.

Mid-morning

• 2 c of cocoa: 1 c 2%, 1 c skim, 6 cloves, 1/2 stick cinnamon (broken up), a grating of nutmeg, a scant T of special dark cocoa powder, a generous T of raw honey

Lunch

• tuna sandwich: 1 pouch of tuna mixed with 1 T real mayo, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, 1 small sliced tomato, a pinch of cumin
• 1 small glass 2% milk
• about 4 more cookies (the broken ones don't count!)
  

30Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 fried egg
• 6 triscuits with white cheddar

Notes: Omgzsnowday! (not that I had to go anywhere anyways, but still.)

T called last night, about 3:30am. We ended up talking for about 4 hours. I got sleep between then and the time we'd gotten off the phone earlier (a little before 1) but he didn't. Covered all sorts of topics, from past regrets to (always oh-so-tentatively) future plans.

I'm worried. About him, about me, and especially about us. I just really don't know what to do. I don't want to share too much here, as anonymous as it is. But if you're reading this, just know that you are my choice.

Lunch

• 2 chocolate chip pancakes
• 2 small glasses 2% milk

Notes: After lunch I was reading and fell asleep. Among other, less vivid things, I dreamed that I met with Boss F and told her what I really thought: that after a year and a half of pulling my hair out, losing sleep and weight (unintentionally, that is) and jeopardizing relationships over the stress from learning how to do my job well, I both knew how to run the place better than anyone, including she and her husband, and was being unfairly passed over for what I deserved. And since all of this was the case, I told her, I wouldn't be seeing her again.

After that, I dreamed that we were on a road trip, delivering furniture or something like that - Papa was driving and the rest of us were in the back of the truck, holding things down from sliding. Then something happened out in the mountains - the trailer came unhitched, perhaps - and we had to stop.

We went into an old abandoned farmhouse - plastered white walls, caked with soil and in need of a good scrub and repaint; wooden floors, lovingly sanded and finished and covered with woven rugs. The sun was setting and we carried candles around the house, exploring the three floors of the layout.

It was built into the side of a hill, with steep stairwells up and down taking up most of the space in the first room we entered. Upstairs, we could see a bathroom with a huge old claw-footed tub, and bedrooms clustered beyond. Downstairs was a cellar on level with the ground on the other side of the house, still stocked with shallow boxes filled with sand to store potatoes and apples, and heavy wooden doors leading out into a small dusty yard bounded by kitchen gardens, with fields and forests beyond. On the main level, as on the other two, the two wings of the house - great room, complete with a fireplace, ready with wood stacked beside it; and kitchen, with a large wood-burning stove, once-bright patterns painted on the walls and dry herbs and garlic still dangling within easy reach - reached forward to the left and right.

It's hard to explain how the footprint of the house was laid out, but try this: hold your arms out, at right angles to each other, and at 45 degrees to the center line of your body, as though you are turning your back to a cold wind and protecting someone in front of you. This "crooked" design kept the house protected the house from cold northern winds and created a small, sheltered microclimate at the back of the house, toward the south.

I know this is a long tangential post for what is still supposed to be just a food and exercise log, but it's very important that I write these details down and not forget them. This is what I need to do, and this is where I need to go. It's where I will be.

Waiting for dinner

• 1 string cheese
• 15 chocolate chips
• about 5 triscuits
  

Dinner

• 1 c dal
• 1/3 c cucumber raita
• 1/2 round multigrain flatbread
• 1/4 c couscous
• 4 c tea of various kinds

29Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 serving Healthy 'N' Stuff Branny Nuts cereal (i dunno, just 24g carbs and 130cal
  
• 1/2 c 2% milk with the cereal
• 1 small glass 2% milk
  
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 oz white cheddar

Notes: I'm automatically waking up at 5:15ish now (except when I sleep in to 5:45). It's been one of these numbers, unless I'm awakened by my alarm, for a while now. I guess I like being up early, I just don't like the actual getting up part. Kind of grumpy right now. I'll have a little coffee at work.

At work

• 12 oz coffee with 12 oz whole steamed milk (total)
  
• 1/2 c of mozzarella & tomato salad
• 2 vegan spring rolls

Pre-Crossfit

• 2/3ish c bean and tomato chili stuff
• 1/4 c oikos
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 small glass chocolate milk with skim

Crossfit

• 200 or so jump ropes to warm up
• tactical stuff: a few push presses with a 35lb sandbag to get the hang of it, 10 Russian KB swings and 10 American KB swings with a 25-lb dumbbell
• WOD: AMRAP of 10 sandbag push presses, 15 American KB swings and 250m row. I finished 6 rounds (I think. Might have been 7) with about 10 seconds to spare.

Notes: Ugh...didn't eat with enough time beforehand, and that combined with the full moon means I had cramps like yeah whoa. The other girls were ahead of me by one set of push presses. Not too bad, considering. I definitely held my own on those rows, even toward the end, and I was the only one using a 35lb sandbag (the others had 25lb)

There was a crazy dude doing his own WOD with a gas mask kinda thing on to limit his oxygen intake. He was running outside (in the blizzard) with a sandbag that looked to be about 50lb, and a little kid who had been throwing snowballs at everything that moved looked up at him and said "What ARE you???" He was kind of eating it up afterward, kept talking and not-quite-bragging about it. Kind of an insane guy. Not sure what to think of it.

Dinner

• 2 c cooked spinach with garlic omgz yum
• 1 c 2% milk
• 2/3 c bean chili with 1/4 c oikos
• 1 Yuengling
• about 2 handfuls of plain popcorn

28Jan10

Breakfast

• 2 c coffee with whole milk as creamer
• ~1/2 c Mama's granola with ~1/2 c of 2% milk
• ~3 oz smoky tilapia

Notes: Feeling better. When I can actually wake up in time to sit down and eat before I leave the house and make the mental shift to "day," things look a little nicer. Not to mention the fact that the simple few minutes it takes to be able to sit and slowly sip coffee, taking it as something of pleasure instead of grabbing a quick slurp whenever I dash by it, feels ridiculously opulent.

Lunch

• tuna sandwich (1/2 c tuna, ~ 1T real mayo, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, 1 sliced tomato
• 1 c "diet" (sucralose, 25 cal) cocoa with a splash of whole milk

Notes: Again with the leisure. I like leisure.

At School

• 1 "Nature's Something-or-other" oats 'n' honey bar
• 1 c engine oil sold as coffee with two petroleum byproduct creamers

Notes: I know, I know, I said I wouldn't anymore. But I was rushing when I left for school and didn't pack anything. Ok, here's my promise: next week I'm tracking down a thermos and bringing my own coffee or other drink, plus a snack of at least one Zone block, dependent on how much I've eaten already that day.

Amam is not seeming to be really healthy lately, and that worries me. I remember when she was really into dieting and all that stuff, and I remember that she was thinner but I don't remember how happy she was then. Her mood seems ok these days but there's still the lowish self-esteem - it comes out a lot in her little side comments. But then again the ice cream and "whipped topping" we got about a week ago disappeared pretty damn fast, and in large quantities. I want to offer to help her, now that I've learned so much about healthy living and diet vs. dieting, but I can't see how I can without offending her. I keep being fairly insistent that she come to Crossfit at some point, and she never has yet. Merh. Must ponder this.

Dinner

• 4 slices of Polly's homemade pizza with mushrooms and spinach. OMG AWESOME
• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 oz white cheddar

27Jan10

Breakfast (around 6:50am)

• 1/2 lb tuna salad
• 1 leaf lettuce
• 3 cherry tomatoes
• 2 baked pita triangles

Lunch (around 3:30pm)

• ~4 oz swiss and cheddar
• ~10 grapes
• 4 wheat crackers
• 2 pita crisps
• mozz & tom salad (~8-10 pc fresh mozz, ~8-10 grape tomatoes)
• a single-serving bag of Fritos when I got back to the house

Dinner

• ~5 oz smoky tilapia
• 3 small glasses milk
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt

Notes: Today was fucking insane. Got to work and began setting up, got mostly finished and had time to grab some breakfast, then for the rest of the day I didn't even have time to drink a glass of water. Rush after rush after rush, coinciding with deliveries of far more stuff than we needed because Boss F won't allow me to do the ordering and tries to get us to stock up on things when there's just not enough space. Also, she's having the new guy do far more managerial tasks - ordering, inventory, even writing up procedures (of which he has really no idea) and is keeping me as far out of the loop as she can get me. I didn't even know that she finally had (after several days of pestering) ordered some things for me. If this leads to a manager gig for him and I get passed over, I've already decided that I'll be gone the next day.

Inadvertently got T worried out of his mind when I didn't call this morning - he left several vmails and txts on my phone before resorting to trying to look up my work number online (and getting the wrong one, which worried him more when they said they'd never heard of me) as well as sending me an email and calling the house phone. Finally saw his txts around 10:30, called him up and just burst into tears. Horrible, nasty day, and the reminder that someone still cared about me brought me out of the work-work-work mindset just enough for it all to sink in. But talking to him made everything...if not absolutely better, then at least it reminded me that there are bigger things to worry about in this world than where to put the extra coffee sleeves, and bigger things to work towards that a better job title from some of the worst employers in the city. Yeah...much bigger things.

Going to drink more water now.

25Jan10

Breakfast

• 1/2 c leftover veggie lo mein
• 2 poached eggs
• 1 little yoghurt
• 1 mug SF cocoa

Notes: Oh god. No coffee. What am I doing to myself??? Also, just noticed the cocoa is made with aspartame and also the last one in the box...so I guess no more of this.

Lunch

• 1 mozzarella and tomato salad (about 10 pc mozz, 7 tomatoes)
• 2 vegan spring rolls (1 rice paper wrapper, a handful of lettuce, healthy pinch of shredded carrots, 2 2-finger-size slices of tofu in each) with peanut butter dipping sauce
• 8 oz coffee with ~2 oz whole milk

After work

• the rest of the leftover lo mein. like 1.5 cups

Crossfit

• 400m run to warm up
• tactical squats
• max squats in 2 min (76, the first 30 in about 30 seconds)
• tactical thrusters (2 12-lb dumbbells)
• WOD: 6 rounds for time of 6 of each: burpees, sit-ups, push-ups, KB swings (30lb on all but second to last, then 35lb), thrusters (2 15lb dumbbells), ring rows

Notes: Damn but that is a good hurt. I tried jogging in place to loosen up my quads after the 2min of squats and nearly fell over. But then later during the WOD I started getting this intense, focused pain in my left shoulder, like someone pressing a pencil point into me. Dunno. I'll ask Dave about it.

Dinner

• 2 grilled cheese sandwiches with butter
• 1.5-2 c tomato soup
• 2-3 T "whipped topping" (i.e. petroleum byproduct with lots of added sugar)
  

Notes: Fucking pissed as hell. Boss F waltzes in and changes whatever she likes on a whim, then forgets what she changed and blows up at whoever happens to be there. In this case she forgot that she started taking $100 out of the safe to act as a change fund during the day. Good idea. But she forgot that it existed and thought one of us must have robbed the safe. Seriously want to punch the bitch in the face sometimes.

Anyways, when I'm pissed, after it wears off I'm hungry as hell and really care nothing about healthy eating.

22Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 mug SF cocoa with a little whole milk
• about 1/3 c whole milk
• 1 string cheese
• 1 protein bar

Notes: Woke up late.

At work, plus lunch (eaten on the walk back to the car)

• way too much coffee. Maybe 3 c, total, with about 1 c total of whole milk and a little honey
• 1 1/2-inch slice apple rum raisin bread
• ~3-4 oz cheese (mozz and cheddar)
• 3 pita crisps
• 3 wheat crackers
• about 12 grapes

Notes: You can really taste the rum.

Dinner

• 1/2 c lentil dal, 1/2 c water and 2ish T chevre mixed together into soup
• 1 little blueberry yoghurt
• a handful of almonds
• 1/2 c whole milk

Notes: Took a nap after work, woke up later than I'd planned.

21Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 egg fried with butter
• 1 oz cheddar
• 1 pear, sliced
• 3 c water, brewed with 2 T coffee into 1 packet of SF cocoa mix and drunk with whole milk as creamer

Notes: I remembered my vitamins! 1 capsule Omega 3-6-9 and one 500mg Vit C pill. Now I just need to remember to do the same through the day. Also, butter is the shit.

At work

• small latte: 1 shot espresso, ~9 oz whole milk

At home

• 12-oz bottle of orange juice
• 1 string cheese

Later...

• 1 string cheese
• 1 protein bar

At school

• 1 PBJ sandwich
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt
• 1 single-serving bag of Fritos
• a few sneaky almonds in the library

Notes: Damn, I get hungry here. Probably should have a larger lunch before leaving the house, then pack more to eat later on in the day than 2:30. Also, I suck because I bragged about remembering my vitamins first thing in the morning and then forgot all the rest of the day. Merh.

20Jan10

Ok let's see if I can remember everything from today.

Breakfast

• omelette with 2 eggs and about 2 T of "lite!" sour cream
• 2 c coffee with whole milk as creamer
• 1 clementine

Lunch

• 1 container mozzarella-and-tomato salad (about 8-10 pc of each
• 1 tuna garden salad (~2 c lettuce, ~1/2 c tuna salad, handfuls of cucumber, carrots and tomatoes, dressed rather heavily with honey mustard vinaigrette)
• a whole lot of coffee, like 2 full c with whole milk

Supper

• peanut butter sandwich with 2 pc bread and about 1.5 T PB
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt
• 1 small glass milk

Crossfit

• 5 minutes of jumpropes (most of which was taken up with trying to find one that's actually the right length, grr!)
• tactical kettlebells - about 5 or 6 sets of 10 25-lb American KB swings
• tactical dumbbells - 3 sets 5 reps straight presses, 3 sets 5 reps push presses with 2 20-lb dumbbells
• WOD for time: 5 rounds as follows: 200m run with a 25-lb sandbag, 50 Russian KB swings with 25-lb KB; run 200, 40 swings; etc down to 10 swings.

Notes: Man, this one was a killer. Something about running in the still-cool, moist air with that sandbag kinda does a number on my lungs. I was second-to-last, even though I was definitely on track for first on the first couple sets. Maybe I should look into getting an inhaler again.

Dinner

• 1 c Mama's curly mac and cheese
• 1/2 c steamed zucchini
• 1 c chocolate milk
• 1 mug SF cocoa

Notes: I like carbs sometimes. Especially when they come with cheese. Also, I really need to make zucchini bread and send it to T!!!

14Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 salmonburger
• 2 good handfuls fresh spinach, cooked with ACV and salt in the same pan as the salmon
• 2 c coffee with whole milk as creamer

Notes: I should really cut down on the coffee. I know I shouldn't have it every morning, as I have been doing.

At work

• 1 small latte: 1 shot espresso and ~10 oz steamed whole milk

Lunch

• 2 pieces Wasa bread with smoked anchovies in oil (left over from new year's)
• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 handful blueberries

At school

• 1 grilled cheese sandwich (white bread, American cheese) with 2 slices of tomato
• 1 c skunk-piss coffee with 1 creamer packet

Notes: Yes, I know. I was lazy and weak and should have taken the time to pack lunch instead of grabbing not-enough while at home and then caving at school. Next time I need to pack stuff (or at least put ingredients all together) on WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!

Dinner

• 2 pieces Wasa with 2 T cream cheese and 2 anchovies
• small handful blueberries
• 1 oz cheddar with 6 tiny christmas cookies (quarter-size)
• Random Shit Porridge (1 1/4 c skim milk, 1/4 c rolled oats, 1/3 c shredded slippery elm bark, a little cinnamon and nutmeg all simmered together for about 8 minutes, plus 1 T peanut butter, small handful of Craisins, ~1 T dried wakame, ~2 t ACV)
  
• 1 mug SF cocoa

Notes: Wow that porridge stuff was kinda weird this time around. Not enough PB, no honey or sweetener...the dried things were good and it wasn't bad, per se...but I don't think it works well as a savory dish.

13Jan10

Breakfast (5:30)

• 2 c coffee with whole milk as creamer
• 1 string cheese
• 1/3 c blueberries
• ~1 1/2 c porridge: 1/4 c rolled oats, 1/4 c shredded slippery elm bark (rather tightly packed) and 1 t slippery elm powder simmered for about 10 minutes in 1/2 c 2% milk and 2/3 c water with a dash of salt, about 1 T each of honey and PB and a little cinnamon

Notes: Wow. That porridge stuff was the shizz, totes. Writing this now (after a fucking crazy day at work, that is), I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this stuff, nutritional powerhouse that it is, has got to be part of the reason I'm not collapsing right now. Definitely a keeper.

At work

• 2 mozzarella & tomato salads (at 7:15 and again at about 2): in total, about 16 pieces of mozz and 20 grape tomatoes
• 1 container penne with red pepper sauce, about 1/2 c
• 1/2 c chamomile tea with whole milk
• 1 c coffee with about 3 oz whole milk

Notes: Arglebargle. Back to the daily grind. It was pretty insane today - it was me and two newbies that I was supposed to be training, on the first day with all the students back, AND Boss F was there, having everyone do 5 things at once and trying to help by moving stuff around and not telling us where she was putting it. It wasn't as bad as it has been, though - either she got laid last night or she's trying not to scare off the fresh meat for another couple of weeks at least. I handled things pretty well, too; at one point I was even able to anticipate what she wanted me to do and finished it before she asked me. I just hope she doesn't start expecting that now.

Back at the ranch...er, house

• 2 mushrooms
• ~2 oz salmon
• 1 mug SF cocoa with 1 scant t slippery elm powder and about 2 T whole milk

Before Crossfit

• 1 c chocolate milk
• 2 string cheeses

Crossfit

• Warm-up: a whole bunch of jump-ropes, maybe 200 or 250
• 5ish minutes of tactical training with PVC pipes
• Paired up and did med ball drills: 20 chest passes, 20 chest pass & squats, 20 subways, 20 back-to-back passes each direction, all with an 18lb ball
• Tabata WOD: 20 sec on, 10 sec off for 4 minutes each of squats, push-ups and sit-ups with 1 minute rest in-between
• Extra jump-ropes. I really need to get that running deal down pat!

Dinner

• 2 pieces Wasa bread with 1 pouch tuna (maybe 3 or 4 oz?), 2ish T low fat yoghurt, 1 T chevre, 1 tomato sliced and a dash of salt
• 2 c decaf coffee with whole milk as creamer
• 5 half-dollar-sized shortbread cookies left over from christmastime
  

Notes: A good workout. I think I got ogled but I'm not sure. Felt like a total rockstar doing those subways (which is what Jill called me during! :D)! I messed up my knee though - it was getting swollen and stiff today, though not painful, and then during the Tabata squats I definitely started to feel some twinges. It's wrapped now and I'm definitely icing it tomorrow. Also, tuna salad and tomatoes and Wasa were totally made for each other.

12Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 slice toast with 2-3 T cranberry relish that I hope is still good and a sprinkle of reduced-fat feta
• 1 slice toast with 1 fried egg and 2 slices cheddar
• 2 c coffee (4 scant T coffee beans, 1 T dandelion root) with whole milk as creamer

Notes: I really love when I can have time to sit down and read the paper with my coffee, and even more so when it doesn't involve rising before the sun.

Lunch

• 2 c half-caff coffee with whole milk as creamer
• 1 salmonburger cooked with a good drizzle of olive oil
  
• 3 handfuls of fresh spinach flash-cooked in the pan once the burger was taken out, with 3 T of my (:D) white pine ACV
• 1 small glass 2% milk
• 1 ice cream bar (small)

Notes: I lucked out this time; turns out that my 1:15 class is on Thursdays alone, not today as well. I still have class in the evening today but I only have to be on campus for 2 hours. Really need to plan to pack lunch and dinner for next week. I am NOT subsisting on that infected bile they call coffee and grilled cheese dripping with the grease of a week's worth of other people's meaty foods. They do have a micronuke there that I can use, though.

Dinner

• 1 fillet salmon, probably about 5 oz
• 3 mushrooms
• 1+ c broccoli
• ~1 c potato casserole (ate about 1/2 c, used almost that much again mixed with the mushroom broth to make soup)
• 1/2 ice cream sandwich
• 1 small glass milk
• 1 mug SF cocoa

Notes: So hungry! REALLY need to bring almonds along, at least!

11Jan10

Breakfast

• 3 c fresh spinach with ACV, a good drizzle of olive oil, salt and pepper
• 1/4 c reduced-fat feta
• 1 fried egg
• 2 c coffee with whole milk as creamer
• 1/2 leftover shrimp egg roll

Notes: Bad food is so much quicker to eat than healthy. The egg roll was gone in a couple of seconds, but the spinach, which didn't weigh any more, takes forever. Merh.

At Work

• 1/2 c tabbouleh
• 1/2 c mozzarella & tomato salad
• lots of chamomile tea with a little honey and steamed whole milk

Notes: Bleargh. I hate my bosses. I swear, if I took my blood pressure during the busiest rushes of the year with them out of town and on a calm day when they were there, they'd be at least comparable or higher for the latter scenario.

I also hate my uterus, almost as much as my bosses some days.

After Work

• 1+ c leftover veggie lo mein (I didn't measure it)
• the rest of the eggroll from the morning
• 1 small glass milk
• 1 string cheese
• 1 mug SF cocoa
  

Notes: I can't wait until I've got my work schedule so I can plan the eating out better. Then again, we expected to get out around 2:45 and didn't leave until more than an hour later because Boss F needed to show us how to read the (completely illustrated with large, full-color photos) instructions to mix the new sanitizer for 15 minutes. Part of me really wants to be the go-between and save everyone else from her crazy - at least then I'd get to feel good about myself for sparing them that agony.

Crossfit
Yay we finally did running even though it's still cold as balls!

• Run 400m to warm up (hah!)
  
• Some tactical instruction with air squats and dumbbells (push press and push jerk)
• 3-round partner workout: 10 push-ups as the timekeeper vs 12lb wall-ball
  
• AMRAP partner workout for 10 minutes: 200m 25lb sandbag run as the timekeeper vs push jerks with 2 15lb dumbbells

Notes: I REALLY need to spend some extra time on pushups. I was doing pretty well with real, full, body-stiff-nose-to-the-ground ones before winter break, but I've lost most of that. Back to the grindstone! Also, sandbag running is SO MUCH FUN oh my gods! I've kinda figured out how to carry it all on my shoulders and shift it to help propel myself forward, which means I can run faster than anyone else out there with it, even when I'm dead tired at the end of the workout, which is not always the case with unweighted running. Besides, I feel like a fucking super monster beast woman running with it! Makes me want to go camping and hiking and run up a mountain with my pack.

Dinner

• 1 clementine
• 1 string cheese
• 1 mug SF cocoa
• 1 glass wine
• I know I had something else, more substantial, but I totally forgot it. Maybe it was eggs.
  

Notes: I like wine. Combo of that and cocoa makes me all warm and fuzzy and sleepy. Had a great long convo with T while cultivating that say-anything mindset that comes halfway between waking and sleeping, where I think less about how to formulate and organize the words I'm speaking and more about what I'm really saying. Now, if I could only figure out how to translate that to the times when I am fully awake and alert.

-N