31Jan10

Breakfast

• 2 of Polly's super-crunchy vegan chocolate chip cookies
• 2-egg omelette topped with ~1/3 c oikos and a grating of nutmeg
• 1/4 of a HUGE apple
• 1 small glass 2% milk

Notes: Two days till my second witchy birthday! It's looking like the narcissus will bloom just in time! I'm also planning on participating in the 5th Annual Cyberspace Poetry Slam in honor of Brigid. I heard about it from Joanna Colbert of the Gaian Tarot.

Mid-morning

• 2 c of cocoa: 1 c 2%, 1 c skim, 6 cloves, 1/2 stick cinnamon (broken up), a grating of nutmeg, a scant T of special dark cocoa powder, a generous T of raw honey

Lunch

• tuna sandwich: 1 pouch of tuna mixed with 1 T real mayo, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, 1 small sliced tomato, a pinch of cumin
• 1 small glass 2% milk
• about 4 more cookies (the broken ones don't count!)
  

30Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 fried egg
• 6 triscuits with white cheddar

Notes: Omgzsnowday! (not that I had to go anywhere anyways, but still.)

T called last night, about 3:30am. We ended up talking for about 4 hours. I got sleep between then and the time we'd gotten off the phone earlier (a little before 1) but he didn't. Covered all sorts of topics, from past regrets to (always oh-so-tentatively) future plans.

I'm worried. About him, about me, and especially about us. I just really don't know what to do. I don't want to share too much here, as anonymous as it is. But if you're reading this, just know that you are my choice.

Lunch

• 2 chocolate chip pancakes
• 2 small glasses 2% milk

Notes: After lunch I was reading and fell asleep. Among other, less vivid things, I dreamed that I met with Boss F and told her what I really thought: that after a year and a half of pulling my hair out, losing sleep and weight (unintentionally, that is) and jeopardizing relationships over the stress from learning how to do my job well, I both knew how to run the place better than anyone, including she and her husband, and was being unfairly passed over for what I deserved. And since all of this was the case, I told her, I wouldn't be seeing her again.

After that, I dreamed that we were on a road trip, delivering furniture or something like that - Papa was driving and the rest of us were in the back of the truck, holding things down from sliding. Then something happened out in the mountains - the trailer came unhitched, perhaps - and we had to stop.

We went into an old abandoned farmhouse - plastered white walls, caked with soil and in need of a good scrub and repaint; wooden floors, lovingly sanded and finished and covered with woven rugs. The sun was setting and we carried candles around the house, exploring the three floors of the layout.

It was built into the side of a hill, with steep stairwells up and down taking up most of the space in the first room we entered. Upstairs, we could see a bathroom with a huge old claw-footed tub, and bedrooms clustered beyond. Downstairs was a cellar on level with the ground on the other side of the house, still stocked with shallow boxes filled with sand to store potatoes and apples, and heavy wooden doors leading out into a small dusty yard bounded by kitchen gardens, with fields and forests beyond. On the main level, as on the other two, the two wings of the house - great room, complete with a fireplace, ready with wood stacked beside it; and kitchen, with a large wood-burning stove, once-bright patterns painted on the walls and dry herbs and garlic still dangling within easy reach - reached forward to the left and right.

It's hard to explain how the footprint of the house was laid out, but try this: hold your arms out, at right angles to each other, and at 45 degrees to the center line of your body, as though you are turning your back to a cold wind and protecting someone in front of you. This "crooked" design kept the house protected the house from cold northern winds and created a small, sheltered microclimate at the back of the house, toward the south.

I know this is a long tangential post for what is still supposed to be just a food and exercise log, but it's very important that I write these details down and not forget them. This is what I need to do, and this is where I need to go. It's where I will be.

Waiting for dinner

• 1 string cheese
• 15 chocolate chips
• about 5 triscuits
  

Dinner

• 1 c dal
• 1/3 c cucumber raita
• 1/2 round multigrain flatbread
• 1/4 c couscous
• 4 c tea of various kinds

29Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 serving Healthy 'N' Stuff Branny Nuts cereal (i dunno, just 24g carbs and 130cal
  
• 1/2 c 2% milk with the cereal
• 1 small glass 2% milk
  
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 oz white cheddar

Notes: I'm automatically waking up at 5:15ish now (except when I sleep in to 5:45). It's been one of these numbers, unless I'm awakened by my alarm, for a while now. I guess I like being up early, I just don't like the actual getting up part. Kind of grumpy right now. I'll have a little coffee at work.

At work

• 12 oz coffee with 12 oz whole steamed milk (total)
  
• 1/2 c of mozzarella & tomato salad
• 2 vegan spring rolls

Pre-Crossfit

• 2/3ish c bean and tomato chili stuff
• 1/4 c oikos
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 small glass chocolate milk with skim

Crossfit

• 200 or so jump ropes to warm up
• tactical stuff: a few push presses with a 35lb sandbag to get the hang of it, 10 Russian KB swings and 10 American KB swings with a 25-lb dumbbell
• WOD: AMRAP of 10 sandbag push presses, 15 American KB swings and 250m row. I finished 6 rounds (I think. Might have been 7) with about 10 seconds to spare.

Notes: Ugh...didn't eat with enough time beforehand, and that combined with the full moon means I had cramps like yeah whoa. The other girls were ahead of me by one set of push presses. Not too bad, considering. I definitely held my own on those rows, even toward the end, and I was the only one using a 35lb sandbag (the others had 25lb)

There was a crazy dude doing his own WOD with a gas mask kinda thing on to limit his oxygen intake. He was running outside (in the blizzard) with a sandbag that looked to be about 50lb, and a little kid who had been throwing snowballs at everything that moved looked up at him and said "What ARE you???" He was kind of eating it up afterward, kept talking and not-quite-bragging about it. Kind of an insane guy. Not sure what to think of it.

Dinner

• 2 c cooked spinach with garlic omgz yum
• 1 c 2% milk
• 2/3 c bean chili with 1/4 c oikos
• 1 Yuengling
• about 2 handfuls of plain popcorn

28Jan10

Breakfast

• 2 c coffee with whole milk as creamer
• ~1/2 c Mama's granola with ~1/2 c of 2% milk
• ~3 oz smoky tilapia

Notes: Feeling better. When I can actually wake up in time to sit down and eat before I leave the house and make the mental shift to "day," things look a little nicer. Not to mention the fact that the simple few minutes it takes to be able to sit and slowly sip coffee, taking it as something of pleasure instead of grabbing a quick slurp whenever I dash by it, feels ridiculously opulent.

Lunch

• tuna sandwich (1/2 c tuna, ~ 1T real mayo, 2 slices of whole wheat toast, 1 sliced tomato
• 1 c "diet" (sucralose, 25 cal) cocoa with a splash of whole milk

Notes: Again with the leisure. I like leisure.

At School

• 1 "Nature's Something-or-other" oats 'n' honey bar
• 1 c engine oil sold as coffee with two petroleum byproduct creamers

Notes: I know, I know, I said I wouldn't anymore. But I was rushing when I left for school and didn't pack anything. Ok, here's my promise: next week I'm tracking down a thermos and bringing my own coffee or other drink, plus a snack of at least one Zone block, dependent on how much I've eaten already that day.

Amam is not seeming to be really healthy lately, and that worries me. I remember when she was really into dieting and all that stuff, and I remember that she was thinner but I don't remember how happy she was then. Her mood seems ok these days but there's still the lowish self-esteem - it comes out a lot in her little side comments. But then again the ice cream and "whipped topping" we got about a week ago disappeared pretty damn fast, and in large quantities. I want to offer to help her, now that I've learned so much about healthy living and diet vs. dieting, but I can't see how I can without offending her. I keep being fairly insistent that she come to Crossfit at some point, and she never has yet. Merh. Must ponder this.

Dinner

• 4 slices of Polly's homemade pizza with mushrooms and spinach. OMG AWESOME
• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 oz white cheddar

27Jan10

Breakfast (around 6:50am)

• 1/2 lb tuna salad
• 1 leaf lettuce
• 3 cherry tomatoes
• 2 baked pita triangles

Lunch (around 3:30pm)

• ~4 oz swiss and cheddar
• ~10 grapes
• 4 wheat crackers
• 2 pita crisps
• mozz & tom salad (~8-10 pc fresh mozz, ~8-10 grape tomatoes)
• a single-serving bag of Fritos when I got back to the house

Dinner

• ~5 oz smoky tilapia
• 3 small glasses milk
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt

Notes: Today was fucking insane. Got to work and began setting up, got mostly finished and had time to grab some breakfast, then for the rest of the day I didn't even have time to drink a glass of water. Rush after rush after rush, coinciding with deliveries of far more stuff than we needed because Boss F won't allow me to do the ordering and tries to get us to stock up on things when there's just not enough space. Also, she's having the new guy do far more managerial tasks - ordering, inventory, even writing up procedures (of which he has really no idea) and is keeping me as far out of the loop as she can get me. I didn't even know that she finally had (after several days of pestering) ordered some things for me. If this leads to a manager gig for him and I get passed over, I've already decided that I'll be gone the next day.

Inadvertently got T worried out of his mind when I didn't call this morning - he left several vmails and txts on my phone before resorting to trying to look up my work number online (and getting the wrong one, which worried him more when they said they'd never heard of me) as well as sending me an email and calling the house phone. Finally saw his txts around 10:30, called him up and just burst into tears. Horrible, nasty day, and the reminder that someone still cared about me brought me out of the work-work-work mindset just enough for it all to sink in. But talking to him made everything...if not absolutely better, then at least it reminded me that there are bigger things to worry about in this world than where to put the extra coffee sleeves, and bigger things to work towards that a better job title from some of the worst employers in the city. Yeah...much bigger things.

Going to drink more water now.

25Jan10

Breakfast

• 1/2 c leftover veggie lo mein
• 2 poached eggs
• 1 little yoghurt
• 1 mug SF cocoa

Notes: Oh god. No coffee. What am I doing to myself??? Also, just noticed the cocoa is made with aspartame and also the last one in the box...so I guess no more of this.

Lunch

• 1 mozzarella and tomato salad (about 10 pc mozz, 7 tomatoes)
• 2 vegan spring rolls (1 rice paper wrapper, a handful of lettuce, healthy pinch of shredded carrots, 2 2-finger-size slices of tofu in each) with peanut butter dipping sauce
• 8 oz coffee with ~2 oz whole milk

After work

• the rest of the leftover lo mein. like 1.5 cups

Crossfit

• 400m run to warm up
• tactical squats
• max squats in 2 min (76, the first 30 in about 30 seconds)
• tactical thrusters (2 12-lb dumbbells)
• WOD: 6 rounds for time of 6 of each: burpees, sit-ups, push-ups, KB swings (30lb on all but second to last, then 35lb), thrusters (2 15lb dumbbells), ring rows

Notes: Damn but that is a good hurt. I tried jogging in place to loosen up my quads after the 2min of squats and nearly fell over. But then later during the WOD I started getting this intense, focused pain in my left shoulder, like someone pressing a pencil point into me. Dunno. I'll ask Dave about it.

Dinner

• 2 grilled cheese sandwiches with butter
• 1.5-2 c tomato soup
• 2-3 T "whipped topping" (i.e. petroleum byproduct with lots of added sugar)
  

Notes: Fucking pissed as hell. Boss F waltzes in and changes whatever she likes on a whim, then forgets what she changed and blows up at whoever happens to be there. In this case she forgot that she started taking $100 out of the safe to act as a change fund during the day. Good idea. But she forgot that it existed and thought one of us must have robbed the safe. Seriously want to punch the bitch in the face sometimes.

Anyways, when I'm pissed, after it wears off I'm hungry as hell and really care nothing about healthy eating.

22Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 mug SF cocoa with a little whole milk
• about 1/3 c whole milk
• 1 string cheese
• 1 protein bar

Notes: Woke up late.

At work, plus lunch (eaten on the walk back to the car)

• way too much coffee. Maybe 3 c, total, with about 1 c total of whole milk and a little honey
• 1 1/2-inch slice apple rum raisin bread
• ~3-4 oz cheese (mozz and cheddar)
• 3 pita crisps
• 3 wheat crackers
• about 12 grapes

Notes: You can really taste the rum.

Dinner

• 1/2 c lentil dal, 1/2 c water and 2ish T chevre mixed together into soup
• 1 little blueberry yoghurt
• a handful of almonds
• 1/2 c whole milk

Notes: Took a nap after work, woke up later than I'd planned.