The beginning of the end?...

So something pretty incredible happened while I was in Ohio.

It wasn't a particular event (no, Maggie, no ring :P) and I can't track it to a definite time at all...but it still kind of blows my mind when I think back and re-realise it.

I'm guessing it's a result of a combination of things. Simply being with T makes me feel so beautiful. It's just the way he looks at me, the way his eyes grow miles deep and the tense lines in his face soften a little. I'm more confident around him than anyone else - I know he's looking at me with admiration, not disgust, and that leads me to strut a little more, which in turn makes me feel even better about myself. And of course there are the times when he simply tells me I'm beautiful. Normally, words wouldn't mean as much as the look in his eyes, but I know this is a man who only says certain things when he really, really means them.

But there's more than just simple admiration of my looks in how he seems to feel about me. He knows all my weaknesses and self-hatreds, all my bad habits and the ways that I try to hide them (and myself in the process). And he loves me enough not to ignore them, and to bring them up when I try to push the issue aside. And so, oddly enough, I think it's that forced discussion of my flaws and ways I can fix them that helped the most - just straight talk about what's wrong and how to fix it, not trying to skirt the issue for delicacy's sake.

I looked in the mirror the other day and saw someone new. For as long as I can remember, I'd seen what I thought of as myself in the glass - the ugly sister, the fat girl, the one with crooked teeth and patchy, limp hair and a body I've been dissatisfied with ever since I became aware that I had one and that it was more than just a vehicle to get me from place to place. I saw myself as he must - the gypsy girl, the sex kitten, the cuddly bunny with dragon morning breath...the woman he loves.

And it was a real eye-opener, to say the least. It's still messing with my head a little.

Speaking of messing with my head, I haven't pulled a single hair out in three days now. Not one. There's no urge to pull, either. The haircut is part of it, but definitely not all.

So yeah. I don't know how long this new mindset will last, but I'm trying to hang onto it for as long as possible, now that I know what it's like not to hate your reflection. The title of this post refers to that...the beginning of the end of my myriad issues, hopefully. God, I hope so. It wouldn't be a moment too soon.

-N

I'm still here

Just got back from another trip to Ohio. I've returned with

• newly cropped hair
  
• a much-lightened schedule
  
• heavier issues on my mind
• a slightly better state of mind about the various body image distortions and disorders I have
• wonderful memories of walking hand-in-hand in the sunshine, being asked to dance (yes!!! he asked me!!! i didn't have to twist any body parts at all!!!!!!!), "watching movies" and reading to each other in bed until we fall asleep
• a tightness in the back of my throat first thing in the morning, when I wake up to find the dream has ended yet again and the other side of the bed is empty

Things are changing, and yet right now they are very much the same. I'm not going to do one of those "now here's the overhaul to end all overhauls!" posts, because they never seem to stick and I end up feeling stupid.

I'm going to keep journaling my food and exercise, but I won't necessarily put it all here - I know it can get boring when I get into a food rut and still list everything. And hopefully I can add more of actual daily events and thoughts (hence the "jour" part of that word. get it? get it? thank you, high school french) without straying too far from the original purpose of this blog: a place for me to write down what I feel I need to, for whatever purpose - healthy lifestyle, venting, which ever seems to fit at the moment.

So yeah. This blog is still active. It just likes to take naps every now and then. I'm gonna be trying to poke it so it stays awake most of the time now, though.

-N

4May2010

Breakfast (as it were): ~12pm

• 2 eggs, chopped up and mixed with about 2 t mayo
• 4 sesame crackers to put it on
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt
• 1 c 2% milk
• about 1 oz parm, not shown

Notes: I didn't actually have the strawberries in the picture. Was jonesing for a little color in my life (where's my boy when I need him??) and decided to just dump them in a bowl and shoot. But then they turned out to be way too old and nasty, so I had to trash them. From now on, fruit stays in the FRONT of the fridge.

Snack-ish: ~2:30pm

• parm with sesame crackers
• strawberry yoghurt
• 2% milk
• about a handful of Raisinets

Notes: This wasn't anything resembling a straight-up meal at all, just noncommittal snacking without measuring while I read my new books from the library! Meaning yes I finally paid off my fines! W00t!

Dinner: 9:15pm

• 4 very large strawberries, chunked up, mixed with 3 small-egg-sized fresh mozz balls, also chunked, and all sprinkled with balsamic vinegar
• 1/2 small head red cabbage, simmered with 1/2 can tomatoes, a little ACV, sugar, salt, nutmeg, Italian herb mix and water
• .45 lb tuna, seared very quickly on both sides in smoking-point EVOO
• 1 bottle pear hard cider. yes pear

Notes: Oh how I love me some raw fish. And fresh fruit. And fresh mozz. And PEAR cider omg it was so good. Yes, I went grocery shopping right before this :D The cabbage was a bit of a swing and a miss, though - I made awesome fantastic cabbage soup years ago with canned tomatoes and vinegar, and was kind of trying to recall that without being actual soup, but then got carried away with the vinegar and salt for the cabbage and the herbs, nutmeg and sugar for the tomatoes...and the two tastes ended up not quite meeting in the middle. Oh, well.

3May2010

Breakfast: ~9am

• 1 whole wheat bagel with garden veggie cream cheese
• 1 bottle chocolate 2% milk
• 1 large coffee (half-caf)

Notes: On Mondays, Caribou sells large coffees for cheaper than the smalls. It totally rocks my socks. And I'm a regular now, at least to one of the baristas - whenever she's working, my coffee's already waiting for me when I get up to the register. It makes me smile :)

Lunch: ~1:30pm

• 1/2 pizza. yes i know, shut up. it's a little pizza. toppings: tomato sauce, tomatoes, pineapple, onions
• the rest of my morning coffee

Notes: I really can't get into this habit. At least back at the old place the food was fairly healthy. And let the real foodies say what they may, but cheese is definitely a weakness for me, and it's easy to put on more than I mean to.

Crossfit!

• don't know the name of this workout, but it goes as follows: 400m run, 30wallballs (15-lb ball), 30 American KB swings (25-lb KB), 30 box jumps (24-inch box); 400m run, 20 of each; 400m run, 10 of each
• sprinting! distance of somewhere between 30 and 40 m, sprinted 10 times in succession with the time to walk back to the start line being the only rest

Notes: This was a MONSTER bitch. I got cramps not even all the way through the first round and had to duck out for more than a few minutes. Finished the damn thing, though, even if I was last. It was not fun. But the sticking with it, plus the rest between that and the sprints, seemed to do the trick - my shortest time was 4 seconds, and that was on the 10th sprint, on a slippery sandy vacant lot.

I gotta find some way of dealing with these cramps. I've noticed that, while exercise brings them on, it also eventually makes them go away again. The problem is just getting past that first wall. They've been getting a little more severe lately, too, and I wonder if it isn't at least partly to do with my diet of late. Back when I was Zoning everything with a vengeance, they were much more manageable, and I felt better overall. Honestly, though, measuring out every little thing got to be rather annoying. Maybe I need to stick with it just long enough to be able to eyeball things better, or else try and strike a balance between being super-strict and just winging it all.

Dinner: 8:30pm

• 2 packets of tuna, mixed with about 1 T mayo
• 4 sesame crackers to put the tuna on
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt
• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 bottle super happy energy juicy stuff (i downed half before crossfit, then mixed the rest with water)

2May2010

Breakfast: ~9am

• about 1/2 container leftover Greek yoghurt, mixed with a chunked-up 1/2 cucumber, a little salt and a lot of cumin
• 1 small container plain applesauce (no sugar added)
• 2 c water

Notes: This yoghurt stuff was pretty good. I was going for something like the cuke-yoghurt dip/sauce stuff that amam sometimes makes, but a little more substantial. This ended up rather heavy to be a main dish. Next time, maybe a mix of Greek and regular yoghurt, if I don't have any of my own on hand. Also, some dill would have been nice.

Lunch: ~1:30pm

• 3 slices pizza: barbecue sauce, tomatoes, onions, I think some spinach
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt
• 1 chocolate chip cookie
• 1.5 c skim milk

Notes: Yep, I broke down again. Was rushed again in the morning, so just grabbed what I could find. Come lunchtime, Little V's pizza, fresh out of the oven and smelling up the whole place with deliciousness, was just looking SO much better than my squashed PB sandwich. So yes. I had pizza again. Maybe I should start planning and making food the night before. At least planning.

Got out of work around 5:30 and raced over to the DPAC, getting there just barely in time. For what, you ask? Fucking WICKED, that's what!!! Zomguh. It was pretty intense. Here's a pic of the stage before the show started from our seats, which were firmly in the nosebleed section. Note the enormous dragon over the stage.

The plot of Wicked, as I've said before and will probably say again, isn't really much more than glorified fan fiction. There's also quite a few standard plot devices used that just kind of annoy me at this point: "Omg it's a love triangle!" and "Omg he's her father!" and "Omg she's not really dead!" etc etc, which could all be seen a mile off. So as far as that goes, just meh. But...the music. Oh gods, the music. That's the only reason this thing's gone as far as it has, and it's a damn good reason at that. Even if my dear sisters kept singing along :P

Dinner: 10ish? pm, of course

• 1 pb sandwich (2 slices of bread, 1.5ish T PB)
• 1 container plain applesauce
• about 3 c of half water, half pink lemonade. damn, that stuff is sweet.

Notes: Got stuck in the parking garage on the way out. That was a fun half-hour just sitting there. But I had time to eat dinner and listen to awesome local radio while inching along. And then I took the freeway home and still beat the rents :D

1May10

Breakfast: ~8:30 am

• 1 PB sandwich (1 slice whole wheat bread, 1.5ish T PB
• 1 oz cheddar
• 1 little blueberry yoghurt

Notes: I made it one of my weekly goals for 2Sexy to bring my food to work instead of going to Bruegger's or making pizza, but was running late - hence the in-the-car shot and totally unplanned menu. Meh.

Lunch: 1pm

• pizza...yes i know. but it was on a thin crust with garlic sauce, light cheese, spinach, tomatoes and onions

Notes: So the girl who was scheduled to come in at noon had a shitload of drama and wasn't able to show up until 4, and even then wasn't feeling well enough to work up to her usual amount. All this meant that instead of holding out til 3, when I usually leave, it was decided that I'd stay until 5. Not going without food for that long. So I broke down and made a pizza. But at least it was healthy. Ish.

Snack: 4pm

• 4 segments of organic orange. this thing was huge!

Notes: Mike ragged on me just a little for taking food pics, but then gave me part of his orange to make up for it. This thing was so sweet and juicy it was almost ridiculous. Defi nitely the grand standard of oranges.

Snack again: 6pm

• 1/2 c skim milk
• 2 of Maggie's delicious chocolate chip cookies

Notes: Then I totally crashed for a while.

Dinner: 8pm

• 1 c lo mein (lots of veggies, at least 1/3 of the total)
• 1 scoop of shrimp and broccoli
• 1 shrimp eggroll