I'm back! Did you miss me?

Last Monday I got up at some god-awful hour like five am (it didn't really matter, because I'd been too excited to sleep most of the night) to drive to the airport and catch an early plane to Ohio.  Why?  Because I got to go stay with The Man for a whole week!  (During which I opened my laptop maybe once.  So no blogging.)  And it was absolutely AMAZING.

Did I stick to paleo?  Hell no.  I wasn't even remotely primal.  I ate grilled cheese sandwiches and potatoes and corn cooked with bacon and cookies from Subway and marshmallows whenever I felt like it, and I drank coffee with milk (and sometimes cocoa mix) all day long.  And I didn't even try to think about calories.  I just ate what I wanted of what was there, when I felt like it.  And I focused more on the people I was dining with than the food itself.

Did I exercise?  Hrmm...well, yes.  Sometimes several times a day.  But...how shall I put this...I wasn't really focusing on burpees and air squats.  Well, not solo ones, at any rate.  Hee hee!  I kill me!

I did, however, get impromptu lessons on how to ride on of these:

via

It's like a skateboard with two wheels, and the fore and aft sections rotate individually.  I'm terrified of falling and freeze up as soon as both feet are on it, but I managed to go about two feet down the road a couple times.  I consider that a success.

Was I blissfully happy the entire time?  Well, no.  500+ miles is a lot to get over on a regular basis, but we manage.  And when it's suddenly shriveled down to nothing, it can be a bit of a shock to be so close, so soon, after months and months of distance.  Emotions run high and low and everywhere in-between before they finally level out (which usually takes just a few days) and the bliss does take over.  Sitting close together on an old bench, looking out over a perfect lake winking in the sun and letting the flood of feelings just rush out is a good way to speed up the process, too.  Especially if it ends with a whole bunch of kisses.

There weren't too many pictures taken - I didn't put on a shred of makeup or bother with my clothes save for the one day we went to a wedding.  Here's one pic from that day.  Please ignore the fact that I look like I'm about to eat the world and The Man looks (so he says) like he's shyly working his way up to strangling me.  That just gives us character.

Yep.  There we are.  Two adorably awkward, beautifully flawed, regular ol' people who managed to stumble into each other one day and never wanted the moment to end.  Funny how things work out like that.  And it's taken a hell of a lot of effort on both our parts to pull each other along this far - but now it's been just about three years since that first day, and hopefully we'll both keep on pulling for three score more.  Because you know what they say...

...slow and steady wins the race.

-Nelly

Money Monday 21/3

Wow, haven't touched this tag in a while.  Before we blow the dust from it all over the place, here's some food:

Two eggs and two tomatoes, all fried in bacon grease that I've started saving.  Avocado for some more fat.  Mmmm, fat.  Part of a grapefruit the size of my head.  And coffee.  Nom.

This week's questions (original post here):

1. The most I've spent this last week was on PAYING OFF MY STUDENT LOAN IN FULL!  Yes I know.  I am just that awesome.  That's an extra $150/mo I have to play with now, and I'm probably going to put it towards rent.  Yep, I'm looking for a new place.  Anyone know of a cheap-but-not-crappy 1BR/1BA in a safe neighborhood somewhere around downtown Durham?  Let me know.  Hardwood floors and fireplaces droolworthy but not necessary.

2. Today I feel slightly abashed towards money.  I've been sadly neglecting my budget plans and my ledger for a month or so now, and while it was nice to just have fun without obsessing too much (among others, by taking off for the Outer Banks for a few days), it's time to kick it back into high gear.  I'm thinking about enacting an envelope system for the paying of bills and such, but I'm torn.  On the one hand, it's nice to literally see exactly where all your money is going; on the other, I'd like to set it up so I can pay my bills and rent online.  And even with checks, the money would still have to be in my account, not an envelope.  So maybe just sticking with virtual budgets for bills and rent, and doing the envelope shuffle for variables like food and gas (hopefully going to go down soon!)?  We'll see.  Any tips?

3. Money can't buy happiness.  One free thing I did last week was to go on a riverwalk!  For the uninformed, this is when you go to a river, normally one in a wilderness park with a hiking trail next to it, and then ignore the trail and just walk in the river.  It was a gorgeous warm day but the water was freezing!  Still amazing, even when it got up to my armpits.  I think I scared some hikers with my squawking.

4. I will consider this week a success if I stop slouching!  My back hurts like a mofo.  Also, total paleo at least 5 days.  I've been lax lately and I'm noticing the results.

5. I am thankful for this boy right here:

-N

Back from heaven, again

Heaven can be, and certainly has been for me, a lot of different places.  Some of the memorable ones don't seem overly special at all - a porch flooded with morning sun but warmed mostly by coffee and conversation; the soft grass under a tree and the stars on a warm summer night; the couch beside a blazing Christmas tree, the only light in the house.  And now I get to add another one to my list.  I'll let The Man present it to you, because he does it so very well:

tada!

We went to the Outer Banks!  He and a friend took a Spring Break road trip from Ohio down to Georgia for a few days to see the sights and chill with his family there, then they hopped over to my place for the rest of the time.  Now, I don't know if you know this, but if you are ever in North Carolina with a car and some spare time, you must see the Outer Banks.  Seriously.  It's written into our state constitution. 

They got in late on Tuesday night.  I don't think I slept a wink the night before, and the day was spent in rushing around trying to get everything ready for the visit.  I told them (two over-6-foot black men with big appetites) that I'd have dinner waiting when they got there, and decided on roasted chicken and vegetables.  Apparently there's some kind of private joke about black people loving chicken; I had no idea of this.  But it was the first tome I'd ever cooked meat for The Man (last time I saw him, at Thanksgiving, I was still pescetarian!), so I wanted to do it right, and not to brag or anything but I am kind of the queen at roasting chickens.

I was so excited I forgot to take any pictures of this, but you guys have to try it!  Joanne, I'm looking at you here.  Followed this recipe from the indefatigable Mark Sisson, and holy gods is it ever worth the trouble.  The secret is in smothering the bird with herbed butter - it's spectacular.  The men got in just as everything was finishing up, so I turned off the heat, ran outside and performed my signature greeting-the-boyf move (I call it the run-and-jump; from his perspective it's probably the grab-and-spin.  yes, so stereotypical rom-com, I know), then herded them inside to nom on delicious tender thyme-flavored bird and wash it down with this amazing $3 wine I found at WF.  And there's another piece of heaven you guys need to visit as often as possible - homemade food and cheap wine consumed at the kitchen table around 10:30 pm, with good friends and plenty of laughter :)

So the next day, we went grocery shopping to stock up for the trip, then hit the road.  Our friend Ellison had never been to NC before, so we stopped along the way to check out Duke Gardens and Duke Chapel, some more must-sees if you're ever in Durham. And then it was off to the coast, stopping only once to briefly stretch our legs.  My baby Lucille is good for a lot of things, but I have to admit that she isn't big on leg room if the passengers are over 6 feet tall.  We finally got to the motor lodge where we'd reserved a room, but the office was closed and we had to call the owner several times before she finally picked up - a bit of an annoyance, as it was cold and crazy windy, but she'd just gotten a new cell phone with an unfamiliar ring and literally ran from her house to the inn office to let us in!  AND, on top of that, when we discovered that our room hadn't been cleaned from the previous guests, we got upgraded at no charge to one of the best rooms on the lot: oceanfront, with two queen beds and a full kitchenette.

And then, for the next day and a half, it was pure bliss.  It was too cold (and part of the time, even stormy) to go swimming, but there were long walks on the beach and romantic dinners and an omelette-off between The Man and me (I won, hands down :D) and more cheap wine and LOTS more laughs.  And there was the best way of all to hear "I love you:" first thing in the morning, with the sky barely beginning to glow and the sound of the surf in the distance, and the softest kiss on your forehead.  (Whether or not this was to avoid morning dragon breath, I will not speculate).

the only full day we had there it was stormy and freezing

The day we left, it was brilliantly sunny and we had a ton of fun playing with the waves.  I was behind the camera most of the time, so here are some shots of the boys having fun:

chillin like they do

uh-oh...

run!

runnnn!

I am not ashamed to admit that my photo-taking style depended heavily on lining them up to pose, then waiting til the waves were just about to hit them before snapping the pic.

Hey, if it gets me great shots like this, then I say it works :)

Bottom line?  You've heard that quote about how "hell is other people," I'm sure.  Well, as it turns out, the reverse is just as true.

-N

Crossfit (and other) frustrations

This is a picture of me eating dinner last night.

Ok, so it's not, but it's damn close. Crossfit snatched me up (ha! pun! see the WOD below) and gnawed on me for 45 minutes before spitting me out and giving me a couple hard kicks to the gut for good measure. It was not so much the fun times.

WOD:

• 50 KB snatches with each hand. I did 25lb for the first 25 on each side, 20lb for the next 15, and then finished with the 25lb for the last 10. Each time we broke momentum, we had to do
• 10 standing broad jumps (feet together, straight forward as far as you can)

And that was it. No sprints to warm up, no second WOD. Just that. And I was dead last, with several minutes to spare. Barely even finished at all, as cramps came on with a vengeance about 60% of the way through.

It's just embarrassing. I've been doing this shit (that is, Crossfit) for a year and a half now, and actively, daily trying to improve my fitness for a solid two years, and still my endurance is nowhere near where I want it to be, nor under any semblance of my control. Not only that, but I still came in LAST in a group that was at least half newbies. Yes, it's true that I was using the heaviest weight (to start, at least), and I didn't have the best day to start with, but still. LAST. It burns.

I called T up on the drive back and just sobbed. I guess I should be used to this by now. Every time we visit each other, it's a few days of pure blissful togetherness, followed by a few weeks of emotional rollercoasting, coming down from the high; being ripped out the sweetest dreams and thrown back into harsh reality. It's very draining, to say the least. LDRs suck monsterballs.

Rargh.

I think I'm done for now. Sorry for all the blog vomit lately. I'm not always this maudlin, and usually much more focused on actual fitness, with this being a fitness blog and all. I will leave you with this thought, which I am attempting to make my mantra for the time being:

Ok. I'm gonna go make tea now.

-N

Quiet times

I've put together something of a collection of coffee mugs over the years. One's got a big "E" on it - it used to be my mother's (Emily) until she bequeathed it to me (my given name is Eleanor). One's a tiny little thing, holding about a quarter-cup and sporting a bas-relief dragonfly on the side - perfect for very strong dessert coffee with real cream, animated philosophical discussion and a crooked pinkie. One (perhaps my favorite) is shaped more like a short-stemmed goblet with a handle than a traditional mug, and the curves fit securely and warmly in your hand on a cold day. That one was a gift from T.
This one is another of my favorites. In case the picture's not clear, the words inside the lip say "Quiet times are to be treasured," a perfect phrase to be reminded of over a hot drink, which forces you to stop rushing and take your time so as not to get burnt.

That's a motto I have not exactly been living my life by these days.

It seems like these days, almost all of my time is taken up with working, working out, working on school, driving somewhere, or frantically trying to fill what down time I do have with more activities and distractions, trying to disguise from myself the fact that I am 600 miles from where I want to be - literally, that is. Figuratively speaking, the distance is in light years.

T is a great comfort, even if I have only his voice. He tells me I've spent hours and more convincing him that things will get better and making him see how far he's already come, and so it's now his turn to do that for me. I guess I'm not the best at practising what I preach, but when I stop to think about it, it is true. Just over two years ago, I was heartbroken and abandoned by my friends, quite literally homeless and with no idea of where my next meal would come from. Now I have a roof over my head and enough money coming in to save a good chunk every month, as well as being around people who care about me, even if they're not always good at showing me that (and I'm not the best at accepting it, I know).

I've also got the amazing luxury of having to worry about eating too much. Two years ago, I was scrounging restaurant leftovers and begging day-old muffins, eating as much as I could get, which still wasn't enough to support 10-hour shifts at the restaurant on top of walking 5 miles a day and sleeping only a couple of hours a night. I frightened myself when I looked in the mirror - the skin on my face was taut and gray, you could trace my hipbones and count every rib. Fortunately, things got marginally better and I was able to gain back enough that none of my friends or family noticed a change when I moved back down South (and then I just kept gaining...) It still haunts me, though. And I'm sure the fear of seeing that ghastly, destitute skeleton in the mirror again is a large part of my mental block towards losing more than a few pounds.

However, what I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that T is right. I've come amazingly far, and I need to stop distracting myself and recognise that fact more often, reminding myself what the alternative to my current situation could still be.
I just got this book (pic via amazon.com) out from the library, along with another on Zen that I couldn't find an image for - haven't cracked it open yet, but I'm hoping it will go well with some tea and deep breathing tonight. And quiet. Beautiful quiet.

-N

Eden with a front porch

Ohio is absolutely gorgeous right now. All weekend, it was crisp but not cold, right on the cusp of all the leaves exploding into their flaming fall colors, and (except for one late-afternoon cloudburst) brilliantly sunny the whole time. And silly me forgot to take any pictures. ANY. I fully admit that I am le stupid. In an attempt to make up for that, here is a picture of the inn we stayed at, via bbonline.com:
It's a restored Victorian-era house, with gorgeous ancient wood floors, push-buttons instead of light switches, and all the details done to a tee! The website is here if you want to see more pictures. We stayed in a private suite on the second floor that was positively sumptuous - enormous bed (though still just a tad too short for the 6'2"-in-bare-feet giant I call my boy) that was insanely comfortable and did not squeak at all (wink wink), bay-windowed view onto a quiet, tree-lined street, shower with one of those showerheads that's supposed to emulate rain and does a pretty bang-up job at it...just wow.

And that's only just the one room! The innkeepers have obviously spent years perfecting the details of this place and adding to their fascinating collection of knick-knacks. Er, make that collections, plural. There's a little shelf in a corner with all sorts of glass and china figurines, an antique coat-rack draped with tiny bejeweled and embroidered handbags, a group of old perfume bottles on a mirrored tray in what was our room, a row of teacups hung on the wall in the dining room...you get the picture. You could wander around this house for hours just looking at all the fascinating little objets d'art.

The innkeepers, Dean and Vicki (short for Victoria, from whence cometh the name of the inn), are some of the sweetest people you will ever meet. They obviously love the work they put into keeping the place running, and it really shows. And they are FANTASTIC cooks. I took a break from paleo for the weekend to enjoy homemade pumpkin waffles with cheesecake filling one day, and fresh french toast with caramelised pears the next, besides fresh fruit and coffee every day and local sausage (as in the farm is right down the road) for those who would take it, which I hear was pretty much a foodgasm.

So yeah. Next time you're in Mantua, OH (which isn't too far from other, less backwoods areas), seriously check this place out. We paid 85/night, which, over the weekend, including hot breakfast and considering that the place is just drop dead gorgeous, was a pretty amazing price. Definitely on my list of favorite places to stay now.

I've got a list of errands and things to get done today, as well as going to Crossfit tonight (as well as yesterday), so I'll leave it here for now and post more later on exercise and food updates and how I actually spent my time in Ohio. It was not all oohing and ahhing over the figurines, let me tell you ;)

-N

Good and bad

image from this blog via Google Images

BAD: Summer is officially over. No more fresh fruit and tomatoes at the farmer's market! Soon I'll have to start wearing sleeves again. Also, I was a bad pagan and missed all the summer festivals.
GOOD: Fall is probably my favorite season except for the fact that winter comes right after it. Apples! Squash! More apples! CIDER! And there's Mabon and Samhain to look forward to (and actually get something planned for this time around!)

BAD: I've had coffee several times this week, instead of sticking to the original goal of just once.
GOOD: I no longer rely on the stuff to get me awake in the morning. As such, I can now actually enjoy it for the taste, instead of just slamming it back, too impatient for the effects to kick in to even remember that oh yeah that's right, it's hazelnut-flavored.

mmmm, hazelnut...

BAD: I live 600 miles away from my boy and only get to see him a couple of times a year.
GOOD: We've somehow managed to keep continuously falling in love with each other for just over two years now. And the next time I see him will be this Friday! In approximately 57 hours! I'm too excited, you say? Nooo...

GOOD(i'm switching 'em up now! watch out!): The Primal Blueprint 30-day Challenge over on MDA just started up yesterday. Yay for eating healthy food and being active!
BAD: Um...I'm actually sipping coffee right now. While I'm inside. Sitting at the computer. And all this coming weekend I'll be wined and dined and also eating at my Grandma's house and trying not to offend her. (she gets rawther annoyed by vegetarians/pescetarians/lo-carbers/no-carbers/anyone with food restrictions, really)
BETTER: Other than the coffee, I am being amazingly good about what I eat. And there's always something at restaurants, even if you have to ask for it special. And Grandma still talked to me even after I attended Thanksgiving at her place while being vegan. So it shouldn't be too bad.

BAD: I just got my first bikini-area wax yesterday and it hurt like a BITCHMONSTER.
GOOD: It did not hurt NEARLY as much as I thought it would. Also, now it's over and done with! And apparently the first time is always the hardest, should I decide to get it done again.

BAD: Last session was my last official Crossfit Bootcamp. Now I'm no longer the second-most-experienced vet in the class...just one more (noticeably fluffier than most of the other regulars) fish in a pond (that is filled to the gills (MIXED FISH-RELATED METAPHORS LOL) with the crazy elites).
GOOD: See those insanely fit people doing hundreds of one-armed handstand pushups in a row?

That's gonna be ME.

-N

The beginning of the end?...

So something pretty incredible happened while I was in Ohio.

It wasn't a particular event (no, Maggie, no ring :P) and I can't track it to a definite time at all...but it still kind of blows my mind when I think back and re-realise it.

I'm guessing it's a result of a combination of things. Simply being with T makes me feel so beautiful. It's just the way he looks at me, the way his eyes grow miles deep and the tense lines in his face soften a little. I'm more confident around him than anyone else - I know he's looking at me with admiration, not disgust, and that leads me to strut a little more, which in turn makes me feel even better about myself. And of course there are the times when he simply tells me I'm beautiful. Normally, words wouldn't mean as much as the look in his eyes, but I know this is a man who only says certain things when he really, really means them.

But there's more than just simple admiration of my looks in how he seems to feel about me. He knows all my weaknesses and self-hatreds, all my bad habits and the ways that I try to hide them (and myself in the process). And he loves me enough not to ignore them, and to bring them up when I try to push the issue aside. And so, oddly enough, I think it's that forced discussion of my flaws and ways I can fix them that helped the most - just straight talk about what's wrong and how to fix it, not trying to skirt the issue for delicacy's sake.

I looked in the mirror the other day and saw someone new. For as long as I can remember, I'd seen what I thought of as myself in the glass - the ugly sister, the fat girl, the one with crooked teeth and patchy, limp hair and a body I've been dissatisfied with ever since I became aware that I had one and that it was more than just a vehicle to get me from place to place. I saw myself as he must - the gypsy girl, the sex kitten, the cuddly bunny with dragon morning breath...the woman he loves.

And it was a real eye-opener, to say the least. It's still messing with my head a little.

Speaking of messing with my head, I haven't pulled a single hair out in three days now. Not one. There's no urge to pull, either. The haircut is part of it, but definitely not all.

So yeah. I don't know how long this new mindset will last, but I'm trying to hang onto it for as long as possible, now that I know what it's like not to hate your reflection. The title of this post refers to that...the beginning of the end of my myriad issues, hopefully. God, I hope so. It wouldn't be a moment too soon.

-N

I'm still here

Just got back from another trip to Ohio. I've returned with

• newly cropped hair
  
• a much-lightened schedule
  
• heavier issues on my mind
• a slightly better state of mind about the various body image distortions and disorders I have
• wonderful memories of walking hand-in-hand in the sunshine, being asked to dance (yes!!! he asked me!!! i didn't have to twist any body parts at all!!!!!!!), "watching movies" and reading to each other in bed until we fall asleep
• a tightness in the back of my throat first thing in the morning, when I wake up to find the dream has ended yet again and the other side of the bed is empty

Things are changing, and yet right now they are very much the same. I'm not going to do one of those "now here's the overhaul to end all overhauls!" posts, because they never seem to stick and I end up feeling stupid.

I'm going to keep journaling my food and exercise, but I won't necessarily put it all here - I know it can get boring when I get into a food rut and still list everything. And hopefully I can add more of actual daily events and thoughts (hence the "jour" part of that word. get it? get it? thank you, high school french) without straying too far from the original purpose of this blog: a place for me to write down what I feel I need to, for whatever purpose - healthy lifestyle, venting, which ever seems to fit at the moment.

So yeah. This blog is still active. It just likes to take naps every now and then. I'm gonna be trying to poke it so it stays awake most of the time now, though.

-N

29Apr10

Breakfast: 10:30am

• 1 2-egg omelette with 1 oz mystery cheese, 1/2 oz provolone and about 1/4 c of stir-fried yellow pepper
• the rest of the pepper (a whole large one, total)
• 1 c half water, half cran-grape juice with a splash of ACV and 30 drops of nettle tincture
• 1 little container of strawberry yoghurt
• 1000 mg Vitamin C and 1 capsule Omega 3-6-9

Notes: The mystery cheese is this random unlabeled block (really delicious, like a slightly softer parmesan with the taste of cheddar!) that probably came from one of Papa's bored-and-hungry cheese runs. If for some reason amam's not around to cook dinner and/or he's bored, he goes out to the artsy yuppie food stores and picks up whatever looks interesting and smelly enough. He picked up a $10 magazine on cheese one time. It's called "Culture."

Lunch-ish: 3:30pm

• 1 egg, chopped up and mixed with 1.5ish t mayo and 2/3ish t dijon mustard and spread on:
  
• 2 pieces of Wasabread
  
• 1.5 oz provolone
• 1 mango. OMGZ. a little overripe and stringy but SO delicious
• 500 mg Vitamin C and 1 capsule Omega 3-6-9

Notes: This was a little small, but I made up for it later.

Dinner: ~8:30pm

• 2 breaded tilapia filets
• a good 2 or 3 c of fancy baby lettuce of various kinds
• 1 adorably tiny apple, partly chopped up and mixed into the salad with 1 T feta and partly used as the garnish
• on top of the salad: homemade impromptu salad dressing! a good shot or two of EVOO, mixed with a couple glugs of ACV, a little mustard, a little mayo, a dash of salt, a pinch of sugar and a couple pinches of dried sage. I used about a third; the rest is sitting in the fridge getting better as we speak!
• 1 c skim milk
• about 1/3 c ginger candies
• 1000mg Vitamin C and 1 capsule Omega 3-6-9

Notes: A pretty good day, after all. T called while I was mixing up dinner, after a satisfying day of getting things done and working outside, and finally sitting down to watch the sun set. It's so wonderful to hear his voice when he's happy. So much of the time he's stressed and tense and wound up and he sounds just about to break...but this time there was just calm, peace, serenity...happiness.

Happy full moon, everyone!

28Apr10

Breakfast-ish: ~11am

• 2 slices of rosemary sourdough bread, toasted in the pan, with the following ingredients added to make a sandwich
• 1 fried egg
• 1 oz provolone, melted onto the toast
• 1/2 small tomato, sliced
• 1 c whole milk

Supper: ~4:15pm

• steamed together and then stir-fried in a little butter: 1 small onion, sliced; 1 small apple, sliced; 1/4 Napa cabbage, julienned. salt and pepper added
• 1 salmonburger
• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 oz provolone

Crossfit!

• Warm-up: Cindy, done for 10 minutes: AMRAP of 5 jumping pull-ups, 10 pushups and 15 squats. After about 3 rounds Bea changed me to band pull-ups; I have no idea how many rounds I got in.
• 400-m walk (yes, just a walk) with a 25-lb KB in each hand. HOLY FUCK. This is SO much harder than it seems.
• 10 minutes (we were going to do 15 but Bea cut off the last 5 because people looked tired. Boo.) of 10 sit-ups and 10 back extensions done every minute on the minute. That is, do the 10 of each and then rest till the next minute started, or nearer the end, if you weren't quite done with BEs just can the rest and start the next round. There was only one round where I didn't finish everything but that's because I somehow have a massive invisible hurty-as-hell bruise on my ass that makes sit-ups no fun whatsoever. I swear, it feels like my bone is bruised! Grr.
• 4 minutes of Tabata American KB swings, with a 30-lb KB. 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off. "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots," which is just over 4 minutes long, came on the mix as soon as we started. WIN.
• Bea made me try out band pull-ups with a MUCH weaker band (green?) than I'd used for Cindy (tan? very thick). Yes, at the end of a workout that worked arms like yeah whoa. And I kicked ASS :D She says she never wants to see me doing jumping pull-ups again, and I have to try it out with one of the thinnest bands next time I come in (before the workout, thankfully).

Dinner

• 1 c amam's bean-corn-chowdah stuff, with about 1/2 c whole milk, 1 pouch tuna and a little salt added
• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 little blueberry yoghurt

Notes: A pretty good day. I cleaned up my room some more - moved furniture around a couple days ago and there are still boxes and piles of books everywhere. It's so hard to strike the perfect balance between bedroom, closet, office and chill space in one weird-shaped room with no built-in storage except for the space under a window seat. Also I have a ton of books. It's a little crazy. I think I'm addicted.

T and I were talking about all the possibilities we both need to choose from right now, and he brought up the idea that I could work on getting back to Hiram sooner than I'd been planning and we'd get an apartment together. Now, part of me is jumping up and down and saying "He brought it up without provocation? Hell yes! Give me an hour to pack!" and the other part is thinking about all those dozens and dozens of times I heard the advice to never ever move in with each other if the primary reason is money. I don't know if it's the very primary in this case, but it's second at best. Still, it's something to consider.

Midnight snack

• 1 c skim milk, nuked for a couple minutes, and then...
• 2 t slippery elm powder whisked into the hot milk, along with
• 4 very heaping Ts of yoghurt
• about 1/2 t of vanilla
• about 1.5 t of honey

Notes: T is stressed. And that sometimes affects his diet a lot more than I wish it did. This is partly a calming late-night hot drink for myself and partly an experiment to make simple, tasty, nutritious things that can help with stress, etc.

The slippery elm is used a lot as a nutritious gruel (yes, that term is used way more often than necessary) for people who need some nutritional bulking up. I've put it in my oatmeal a lot before and liked that...and I'm thinking I'll stick to that application. In liquid it seems to make the slippery "jelly" it's known for just around the little granules of powder, making for a rather gloppy texture with distinctly more solid bits suspended throughout the whole. It's not horrible - I finished the whole thing! - but then again, I'm used to it. Perhaps it would work better if I let it sit for a while and finish gelling, maybe blending it up after several minutes.

I've done drinks with just milk blended with yoghurt, with or without flavor, and they've turned out fantastically. I've always done them cold before, though. Should have tried the slippery elm and yoghurt separately in conjunction with the hot milk, as now I can't tell if the texture was entirely due to the former or maybe the yoghurt was curdling a little. Next time I'll try just milk and yoghurt and vanilla, no sweetener. And no skim milk. Ew.

A quick recap

It's the first post without a date as the title omgzzz! What is the world coming to? But anyways.

For the last week I've been up in Ohio visiting T and his fam, and marking down every bit of food I eat has not exactly been in the forefront of my thoughts. What I did eat, overall, can be summed up fairly well as follows:

Breakfast

• coffee
• more coffee
• maybe some scrambled eggs
• or an omelette
  
• or perhaps cereal
• more coffee

Lunch

• what's that? it's 3pm already? eh, fuck it, it's almost dinnertime
  
• a sandwich, if the kids wanted some and the stuff was already out
• two or three times, a 6-inch tuna sub from Subway
• coffee
  

Dinner

• coffee again. surprised yet?
• pizza, maybe
  
• baked tilapia with Ritz cracker breading that I made sans recipe!
• whatever else was available

All other times

• random handfuls (or more...) of various delicious and unhealthy things - chips, cookies, those little chocolate-covered doughnuts you get at gas stations...etc etc
  
• really ridiculous amounts of...anyone? anyone? COFFEE, of course.
• many other things that I forgot
  

And after all of this it seems like I actually lost a little weight. Go figure...

Time was spent in helping around the house, helping T with homework and such, and generally trying to ease a little of the tension around the place before T's mom had her surgery today. One of the kids got kicked off the bus for several days, so we also had to drive him to and from school. I also drove T to and from his work, when he had it, and washed ever dish in the house about 10 times each. So a pretty busy time, overall, but a fun one, doing the whole "playing house" deal.

And of course there's the part where I'm seeing a regular god of sex. He mentioned at one point that we were worse than honeymooners, and it was totally true - we practically needed a chaperone to get anything at all done...well, besides each other (not quite true, we do have some work ethic! but you get the point). Well, that's one of the perks of a LDR, I guess :D

Still, besides all the crazy-awesome creative ways to use every surface in the house; besides the sweet soft lovemaking; besides even lying together and making out before we fall asleep, there's nothing else in the world quite like waking up in the arms of the one you love, and seeing the smile in their eyes even before they whisper good morning.

*sigh*

But anyways, now I'm back, and getting right back on the wagon. Really gonna try and keep this a daily thing, starting now. W00t!

30Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 fried egg
• 6 triscuits with white cheddar

Notes: Omgzsnowday! (not that I had to go anywhere anyways, but still.)

T called last night, about 3:30am. We ended up talking for about 4 hours. I got sleep between then and the time we'd gotten off the phone earlier (a little before 1) but he didn't. Covered all sorts of topics, from past regrets to (always oh-so-tentatively) future plans.

I'm worried. About him, about me, and especially about us. I just really don't know what to do. I don't want to share too much here, as anonymous as it is. But if you're reading this, just know that you are my choice.

Lunch

• 2 chocolate chip pancakes
• 2 small glasses 2% milk

Notes: After lunch I was reading and fell asleep. Among other, less vivid things, I dreamed that I met with Boss F and told her what I really thought: that after a year and a half of pulling my hair out, losing sleep and weight (unintentionally, that is) and jeopardizing relationships over the stress from learning how to do my job well, I both knew how to run the place better than anyone, including she and her husband, and was being unfairly passed over for what I deserved. And since all of this was the case, I told her, I wouldn't be seeing her again.

After that, I dreamed that we were on a road trip, delivering furniture or something like that - Papa was driving and the rest of us were in the back of the truck, holding things down from sliding. Then something happened out in the mountains - the trailer came unhitched, perhaps - and we had to stop.

We went into an old abandoned farmhouse - plastered white walls, caked with soil and in need of a good scrub and repaint; wooden floors, lovingly sanded and finished and covered with woven rugs. The sun was setting and we carried candles around the house, exploring the three floors of the layout.

It was built into the side of a hill, with steep stairwells up and down taking up most of the space in the first room we entered. Upstairs, we could see a bathroom with a huge old claw-footed tub, and bedrooms clustered beyond. Downstairs was a cellar on level with the ground on the other side of the house, still stocked with shallow boxes filled with sand to store potatoes and apples, and heavy wooden doors leading out into a small dusty yard bounded by kitchen gardens, with fields and forests beyond. On the main level, as on the other two, the two wings of the house - great room, complete with a fireplace, ready with wood stacked beside it; and kitchen, with a large wood-burning stove, once-bright patterns painted on the walls and dry herbs and garlic still dangling within easy reach - reached forward to the left and right.

It's hard to explain how the footprint of the house was laid out, but try this: hold your arms out, at right angles to each other, and at 45 degrees to the center line of your body, as though you are turning your back to a cold wind and protecting someone in front of you. This "crooked" design kept the house protected the house from cold northern winds and created a small, sheltered microclimate at the back of the house, toward the south.

I know this is a long tangential post for what is still supposed to be just a food and exercise log, but it's very important that I write these details down and not forget them. This is what I need to do, and this is where I need to go. It's where I will be.

Waiting for dinner

• 1 string cheese
• 15 chocolate chips
• about 5 triscuits
  

Dinner

• 1 c dal
• 1/3 c cucumber raita
• 1/2 round multigrain flatbread
• 1/4 c couscous
• 4 c tea of various kinds

27Jan10

Breakfast (around 6:50am)

• 1/2 lb tuna salad
• 1 leaf lettuce
• 3 cherry tomatoes
• 2 baked pita triangles

Lunch (around 3:30pm)

• ~4 oz swiss and cheddar
• ~10 grapes
• 4 wheat crackers
• 2 pita crisps
• mozz & tom salad (~8-10 pc fresh mozz, ~8-10 grape tomatoes)
• a single-serving bag of Fritos when I got back to the house

Dinner

• ~5 oz smoky tilapia
• 3 small glasses milk
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt

Notes: Today was fucking insane. Got to work and began setting up, got mostly finished and had time to grab some breakfast, then for the rest of the day I didn't even have time to drink a glass of water. Rush after rush after rush, coinciding with deliveries of far more stuff than we needed because Boss F won't allow me to do the ordering and tries to get us to stock up on things when there's just not enough space. Also, she's having the new guy do far more managerial tasks - ordering, inventory, even writing up procedures (of which he has really no idea) and is keeping me as far out of the loop as she can get me. I didn't even know that she finally had (after several days of pestering) ordered some things for me. If this leads to a manager gig for him and I get passed over, I've already decided that I'll be gone the next day.

Inadvertently got T worried out of his mind when I didn't call this morning - he left several vmails and txts on my phone before resorting to trying to look up my work number online (and getting the wrong one, which worried him more when they said they'd never heard of me) as well as sending me an email and calling the house phone. Finally saw his txts around 10:30, called him up and just burst into tears. Horrible, nasty day, and the reminder that someone still cared about me brought me out of the work-work-work mindset just enough for it all to sink in. But talking to him made everything...if not absolutely better, then at least it reminded me that there are bigger things to worry about in this world than where to put the extra coffee sleeves, and bigger things to work towards that a better job title from some of the worst employers in the city. Yeah...much bigger things.

Going to drink more water now.

3Nov09

Breakfast

• 1 poached egg
  
• 1 little strawberry yoghurt
  
• 1 oz leftover tofu
  
• 1/2 c leftover lo mein
  
• 1 c skim milk
  
• 6 almonds
  

Notes: I've really gotten off-track, and not just with diet. Exercise, schoolwork, work itself (everything besides what I actually do at the store, that is), faith...everything's kinda fallen away as I'm trying just to keep my head afloat. The problem is, the only thing that's really dragging me down is me.

This is my new-year's attempt (blessed belated Samhain, internets!) to pull everything back together. I need to start logging my food and exercise again because if I don't, I seem not to care - no record whatsoever doesn't make me feel as bad as a record of failure. I need to write up a schedule for myself, containing work, school, exercise and times that I need to devote to certain pursuits - and stick to is, because if I don't I just stumble to work and back, then stuff my face while wandering the internet. then sleep fitfully and do it all again.

Tony told me last night that I'm his muse. Not so much for poetry or flowery prose - he's not usually one for that kind of stuff. No...I'm the inspiration for all the work he's been doing to get himself set up and cemented in the adult world - working harder to finish school sooner, getting his business set up, even heeding my tearful pleas to sleep and eat a little more and not self-medicate so much. He's intentionally making himself into a better person, and more of a man, because of me.

I need to run to work so more on this later.

Lunch

• ~1 c Lebanese green beans
• ~1/2 c golden beet salad
• ~1/2 c tabbouleh
• ~2-3 oz mozz and cheddar
• 3 whole wheat crackers
• 3 baked pita triangles
• about 7 grapes
• 6 oz coffee, 4 oz whole milk

Notes: I drank coffee without sweetener, yay me! I am a macho macho man.

During the day

• ~1 c total apple cider

Notes: I GOT A RAISE TODAY! $1/hour more. W00t!

At home, before school

• 1 oz mozz
• 1 c brussel sprouts with mustard sauce
• 1 c water with ACV

Dinner

• 1/2 c brussel sprouts
• ~1 oz whitefish
• ~1 c lo mein
• 4 pc tofu
• a couple good swallows of Gatorade