Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The beginning of the end?...

So something pretty incredible happened while I was in Ohio.

It wasn't a particular event (no, Maggie, no ring :P) and I can't track it to a definite time at all...but it still kind of blows my mind when I think back and re-realise it.

I'm guessing it's a result of a combination of things. Simply being with T makes me feel so beautiful. It's just the way he looks at me, the way his eyes grow miles deep and the tense lines in his face soften a little. I'm more confident around him than anyone else - I know he's looking at me with admiration, not disgust, and that leads me to strut a little more, which in turn makes me feel even better about myself. And of course there are the times when he simply tells me I'm beautiful. Normally, words wouldn't mean as much as the look in his eyes, but I know this is a man who only says certain things when he really, really means them.

But there's more than just simple admiration of my looks in how he seems to feel about me. He knows all my weaknesses and self-hatreds, all my bad habits and the ways that I try to hide them (and myself in the process). And he loves me enough not to ignore them, and to bring them up when I try to push the issue aside. And so, oddly enough, I think it's that forced discussion of my flaws and ways I can fix them that helped the most - just straight talk about what's wrong and how to fix it, not trying to skirt the issue for delicacy's sake.

I looked in the mirror the other day and saw someone new. For as long as I can remember, I'd seen what I thought of as myself in the glass - the ugly sister, the fat girl, the one with crooked teeth and patchy, limp hair and a body I've been dissatisfied with ever since I became aware that I had one and that it was more than just a vehicle to get me from place to place. I saw myself as he must - the gypsy girl, the sex kitten, the cuddly bunny with dragon morning breath...the woman he loves.

And it was a real eye-opener, to say the least. It's still messing with my head a little.

Speaking of messing with my head, I haven't pulled a single hair out in three days now. Not one. There's no urge to pull, either. The haircut is part of it, but definitely not all.

So yeah. I don't know how long this new mindset will last, but I'm trying to hang onto it for as long as possible, now that I know what it's like not to hate your reflection. The title of this post refers to that...the beginning of the end of my myriad issues, hopefully. God, I hope so. It wouldn't be a moment too soon.


1 comment:

  1. You are a gypsy girl and a sex kitten! I'm not just saying that! And you're many more things besides! Including a great sister/listener/friend/tax buff :) and a great writer to boot!