A different yardstick

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My yardstick is too long.

I know what you're thinking.  "Yardsticks are a yard long, Nelly.  That's why they call them yardsticks."  And it is very true that most of our modern measurement devices are pretty close to the same length, unlike the time when they built that giant Swedish ship and every builder had his own unique ruler and that's part of the reason it sank before it left the harbor.

Then and now

So today I spent an absolutely insane amount of time working on physics problems with my lab partner, John. John's a cool dude with a lot to say, so we get along pretty well despite the fact that he's a Republican (but a very good-natured one, if you can imagine such a thing!).  Amidst all the discussion on Kirchhoff's rules for circuits, the conversation drifted a bit, mostly so we wouldn't go insane.  One of the impetuses (not impeti, I looked it up) for a conversational tangent happened to be a girl with a shaved head who had just walked out of the room.  I told him "you know, my hair used to be nearly that short!" and he was all "um what, nuh-uh it wasn't!"  So of course I had to provide photographic evidence.  This was taken way back, about a year ago.

oh, R2-D2 phone.  how I miss you.

He saw this picture and did a double-take.  "Wow!  You weren't kidding, that's crazy short!"

"Yeah, the sides were buzzed but the top was long enough to spike up.  Man, I loved that cut..."

"You look like kind of a badass there!"

Fellas, take note.  If you know a lady who does lifting, parkour, rugby, martial arts or some other hobby or lifestyle that you find impressively hardcore, or if she just looks like a badass, tell her so!  It will win her heart, guaranteed.  Of course, the lion's share of my heart still belongs to The Man, but there's always room for people who think I'm a badass :)

Of course that made me perk right up.  I got to talk a little about my glory days last summer, lifting and hiking and swimming in the Eno and running barefoot and the not-then-totally-ridiculous idea of training to be a traceuse.  And then it was back to the Loop Rule and the Junction Rule and C=Q/V and all the various equations used to find power.  And TWO MORE HOURS ON A SINGLE PROBLEM.  Gah.

When I got back to the house, on a whim, I decided to take another picture in the same location and approximately the same pose, just for comparison's sake.  Here it is:

Here are the things I noticed, in order of the noticing:
1. My face and neck look thinner.
2. My hair is longer.
3. I'm paler.
4. I'm not smiling.
5.  The striped shirt lends a bit of a French air, but it's distinctly not the wicked cool nouveau homme des cavernes look.
6.  I am no longer a badass.

I just spent a long few minutes tugging on my hair and pondering all of this - the reasons why my badassery went out the window, the steps I can take to get it back, all the shit I still have to do that drains my time and my strength and my mental capacities.  The fact that my first thought was "Now I'm skinnier and therefore prettier!" despite the fact that my physical state is way, way below what it was and should be, regardless of what my neck looks like.  Other photos (not to be shared) reveal the fact that my abs do not match the trend of my face at ALL, anyways.

Right now I have to keep studying for a chemistry exam that I have tomorrow.  This post is mainly just to put a bug in my own ear about these ideas - what I had and was, what I lost, what I gained, what I can do now.  I'm going to have my first break from everything in a while early next week, so I'm hoping to get some pondering (and posting) done then. 

For now, what do you think?

-Nelly

CrossFit questions

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

And then, if the "problem" happens to be CrossFit, the second step seems to be buying shoes of questionable aesthetic appeal that come in many bright colors.  Cases in point, the Inov-8 shoes I'm seeing on everyone and their grandmother in the gym right now, as well as the already classic Vibram Five Fingers (the name of which, my sister thinks, sounds like it should belong to a product of slightly more personal use).

Note that I haven't actually bought a pair of either yet, I'm just lusting after them like yeah whoa.  Just something to go on the list of what to do with my tax refund...

But I digress.

I'm addicted, you guys.  I've swallowed the red pill; I've downed every last drop of the kool-aid (can you even make paleo kool-aid?).  I may have constant bruises and torn hands and even red, swollen whip marks from those damn double-under jump-ropes, but it's absolutely worth it to be able to do something that is slowly (but faster than I realise it) and surely turning me into a totally bad-ass goddess of CrazySexyFitness.

The question is, where do I go with it?

Part of that question is for you guys.  I know that not everyone who reads this blog is as head-over-heels gone as I am for CF, or has even tried it yet.  I'm assuming that the regular CFers would be at least marginally interested in me posting my stats for WODs and lifting, but what about the rest of you?  Would you prefer that I keep it in a different section or page, or just update once in a while?  I've also been toying with the idea of adding videos/pics of myself and other CFDurhamites (if they want) working out.  What do you think?  Let me know!

The other part of that question is a deeper and much more personal one.  As it stands, being fit and healthy is currently an almost entirely personal pursuit of mine, and the day job revolves around...well, to be honest, pretty unhealthy food.  It's started to nag at me rather a lot lately - I put so much emphasis on having the best health I can for myself, but my livelihood still consists of literally feeding people stuff that I won't even eat.  Now, don't get me wrong - I love working there, but it's mainly because of the people I work with.  The more I learn about true health and the more I apply that to my own life, the more it bothers me that I'm supporting myself by doing exactly the opposite for other people - it's kind of a "sleeping with the enemy" thing, only I get paid for it.  Which makes me a...well, you know.

So many things to ponder.  For now, what do you think?  I'd love to hear what you'd like to see on this blog, any ideas you have for what I should do with my life, what you had for lunch today, how much you are loving your new baby puppy (Haleigh, I'm totally calling you out here!) and anything else you feel like commenting on.

-Nelly

Eleven Things I Am Wishing For Right Now

 Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy bi-OH MY GOD I'M A QUARTER-CENTURY OLD!  Wow.  That's just craziness.

It's gonna be a pretty quiet day this time around.  The Man and I both woke up early to make our coffee and whisper sweet nothings to each other while watching the sun rise, which was pretty amazing.  Let's hope that next year we won't have to do it over the phone!  The 'rents also slipped me a nice wad of cash, along with a gift certificate for a haircut.  Gentle hint much?  (I kid; it's for a super nice salon downtown and I did express interest in exactly this).  Thank you, 'rents!

Here's my birthday breakfast: eggs, brussel sprouts, half a baby apple, macadamia nuts (these things are seriously amazing) and coffee with coconut.  And the funnies.  Couldn't get much better.

However, if it could get better, these are the things that would make it so.

1. A Cuisinart!  Yes, I'm pretty good at the chopping and dicing and all that (being literally a pro), but it gets tiring.  And you try making macadamia nut butter by hand!

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2. A Handful bra.  I'm not even sure it would contain my mammaries of insanity, but they are just so cute!  They don't make them in bright blue, so I'd have to go with the pink.

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3. Closet space.  Just look at these.  UNF.  LUST.  Someday...

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4. This house.

5. Or this one.  I'm not terribly picky.

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6. A backyard flock of chickens!

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7. An all-expenses-paid (including lost income, babysitters, maids, etc) trip for The Man and myself to rural Italy to live on an old but well-established farmstead for a month screw that, if I'm just wishing I'm gonna say indefinitely!

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8. Barring that, the time and funds to take two weeks and road trip it over to Cali and check out the wine country.  Almost as good, right?

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9. Every single flavor of Taza Chocolate Mexicano.  I haven't even tasted any of it yet but just looking at the site made my mouth water.

10. Everything in this song:

11. Also, just because: PONY!

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-Nelly

Mise en place

So this morning I had my breakfast (open-faced sandwiches of tuna, tahini, tomatoes and cayenne on Wasa, cherries, milk and my ubiquitous 2 c coffee with milk) all set out and arranged beautifully. And then T called and I started munching away while talking and completely forgot to take a picture. So it goes. But here are some other delicious eats from the past couple of days!Sunday morning

• overnight oats (1/2 c milk, 1/2 c yoghurt, with about 1/2 c total of rolled oats and oat bran
  
• about a cup of blueberries
  
• coffeeeee
• funny papers!

Last night's dinner:

• a salmon steak, pan-grilled with a little EVOO and topped with Greek yoghurt and fresh-cut purple basil
  
• Caprese salad minus the cheese and with more basil
  
• cherries cherries cherries
  
• Fish Eye Pinot Grigio that went awesomely with the cherries
• the most incredible dessert coffee ever: "Wake Me Up Before You Cocoa," available now for a limited time at your local Fresh Market!

IT LOOKS LIKE THIS

Go get some right now. Then brew it double strength and drink it out of tiny cups with a little splash of real cream. And don't forget to crook your pinkie and talk about world politics.

Today's lunch

• 1 big salad, with spinach, toms, shrooms, tofu, eggs and balsamic vinaigrette
• "seafood bisque." i have NO idea what was really in it
• water with a splash of cranberry juice
• official SAS chocolate square (dark, natch)
  

I'm doing this 5-week financial planning course through my dad's workplace, and today was the first one. The gist of the lecturing part was, most basically, "saving is good! we like to save!" There was a good emphasis on writing down specific goals and doing the math to figure out how to accomplish them, but I kind of feel like the majority of the message will be things I've already quite realised: save as much as possible, buy things with cash rather than credit, make a realistic budget and stick to it, etc etc. We'll see how the rest of the deal goes, though.

Lately I've had this odd feeling that the things I am doing right now - and not just the overt planning for the future, but also the daydreams and the definitionless minutiae and all of it - are going to significantly steer how the rest of my life goes. I have no idea how this will go about being accomplished, or even if it will. But it's like there's this constant, ever-so-slight hum, continuing on below all the clamor of everyday life, like the sound of a gong vibrating after it's been struck. And every so often something happens that seems to set off a bell in my head - not a chorus of clanging alarm bells, as the literary cliche goes, but just one - a very small, soft, sweet tone, but one that is almost terrifyingly insistent, and heavy with significance.

And it's entirely up to me to hear these signals, figure out the true significance of these events and then decide what to do with that information. I'm working on the building blocks (an education, a store of knowledge (these latter two are quite different), a satisfying career, healthy finances, healthy relationships, health in general...) and trying to fit them all together at the same time. And, to be honest, it's pretty maddening. I'm trying to build a house while the bricks are still being formed - although in my case I guess it's while the straw is still being baled.

So this is when I put away the planner and calendar, close the budget software and class schedule, pour myself a good cuppa and start doodling out what the end of the road looks like, with no missing or unfinished pieces. Just everything where it's supposed to go.

Mise en place.

-N

Question for the lurkers: what does your "end of the road" look like?

30Jan10

Breakfast

• 1 c 2% milk
• 1 little raspberry yoghurt
• 1 fried egg
• 6 triscuits with white cheddar

Notes: Omgzsnowday! (not that I had to go anywhere anyways, but still.)

T called last night, about 3:30am. We ended up talking for about 4 hours. I got sleep between then and the time we'd gotten off the phone earlier (a little before 1) but he didn't. Covered all sorts of topics, from past regrets to (always oh-so-tentatively) future plans.

I'm worried. About him, about me, and especially about us. I just really don't know what to do. I don't want to share too much here, as anonymous as it is. But if you're reading this, just know that you are my choice.

Lunch

• 2 chocolate chip pancakes
• 2 small glasses 2% milk

Notes: After lunch I was reading and fell asleep. Among other, less vivid things, I dreamed that I met with Boss F and told her what I really thought: that after a year and a half of pulling my hair out, losing sleep and weight (unintentionally, that is) and jeopardizing relationships over the stress from learning how to do my job well, I both knew how to run the place better than anyone, including she and her husband, and was being unfairly passed over for what I deserved. And since all of this was the case, I told her, I wouldn't be seeing her again.

After that, I dreamed that we were on a road trip, delivering furniture or something like that - Papa was driving and the rest of us were in the back of the truck, holding things down from sliding. Then something happened out in the mountains - the trailer came unhitched, perhaps - and we had to stop.

We went into an old abandoned farmhouse - plastered white walls, caked with soil and in need of a good scrub and repaint; wooden floors, lovingly sanded and finished and covered with woven rugs. The sun was setting and we carried candles around the house, exploring the three floors of the layout.

It was built into the side of a hill, with steep stairwells up and down taking up most of the space in the first room we entered. Upstairs, we could see a bathroom with a huge old claw-footed tub, and bedrooms clustered beyond. Downstairs was a cellar on level with the ground on the other side of the house, still stocked with shallow boxes filled with sand to store potatoes and apples, and heavy wooden doors leading out into a small dusty yard bounded by kitchen gardens, with fields and forests beyond. On the main level, as on the other two, the two wings of the house - great room, complete with a fireplace, ready with wood stacked beside it; and kitchen, with a large wood-burning stove, once-bright patterns painted on the walls and dry herbs and garlic still dangling within easy reach - reached forward to the left and right.

It's hard to explain how the footprint of the house was laid out, but try this: hold your arms out, at right angles to each other, and at 45 degrees to the center line of your body, as though you are turning your back to a cold wind and protecting someone in front of you. This "crooked" design kept the house protected the house from cold northern winds and created a small, sheltered microclimate at the back of the house, toward the south.

I know this is a long tangential post for what is still supposed to be just a food and exercise log, but it's very important that I write these details down and not forget them. This is what I need to do, and this is where I need to go. It's where I will be.

Waiting for dinner

• 1 string cheese
• 15 chocolate chips
• about 5 triscuits
  

Dinner

• 1 c dal
• 1/3 c cucumber raita
• 1/2 round multigrain flatbread
• 1/4 c couscous
• 4 c tea of various kinds